LackOfNothing

WARNING: This post includes openness and honesty. Proceed with caution.

I have quite a few close friends who have recently had a baby, and I’m truly excited for each of them. I have been to four baby showers in the past 10 months, and have enjoyed them all, truly rejoicing with them as they prepare to welcome their new gifts. They are all sweet and understanding friends, and I enjoy loving on their babies.

On a broader scale, Facebook has made the world so small. For maybe 4 or 5 years now, I have been in contact with some of my old friends, many of whom had their first child right around the time D and I started TTC. The past few months, there has been an explosion on my Facebook wall of people that are expecting or just had their third child. Some of my friends will have 3 children within the 6 years that we have been waiting. This is starting to get really hard. And it’s getting hard to be excited for them. For years, I have “liked” their baby announcements, but as soon as it hits baby #3, I can’t hit that button anymore. I genuinely do not like it. I end up hiding people on Facebook right after they have their child, and then un-hide them once the baby picture storm is over (sometimes forgetting to go do this 2nd step).

And then I realized…

I have a hard time being happy for people who have success in conceiving.  Even when one of my friends is experiencing infertility, I will follow their story closely, be an encouragement and comment/like their Facebook statuses. But as soon as they are pregnant, I quit. I find it discouraging; there are not a lot of women out there like me. While I SHOULD be happy for them in their success, I would rather act selfishly and wallow in the mud feeling sorry for myself, grieving the loss of a member of my shrinking community.

This is just me being completely honest.

And then I had a second realization:  some people struggling with infertility have a hard time following MY story because they find it discouraging. I assume most of the people who are “like me” were truly, exactly like me. But I have learned that this is not true. Some people see me, see what their life could become, and get discouraged. Just by me being me. Discouragement all around.

Both realizations are hard to process. My selfishness is causing me to be envious of other people’s joy, and some people find my mere presence discouraging. But, then I remembered 2 more things: Romans 12:15, and Psalm 18: 2— reminding me that we are to rejoice with those who rejoice (weep with those who weep), and that the Lord is my rock, fortress, deliverer, my God, and my refuge.

For these daily struggles, these are my daily reminders.