There are times when I almost forget about my infertility. Almost. And then there are times when it is all I can think about. But there is one aspect of our situation that I forget about for extended periods of time: the rarity of infertility stories like ours. I don’t, personally, know many people that are struggling with infertility, or have struggled with it. And of the stories that I hear, I don’t come across many that have endometriosis as the only cause of their infertility. I’ve heard a few stories of people that have endo, and many (I would almost say all) of them have become pregnant after many years of TTC.
This past week, I decided to join the Violet Petal drug study. This is a research study for a drug that will decrease the damage/pain from endometriosis. There is already a drug on the market that does this, but the new drug has fewer side effects. In order to join the study, you must have endometriosis that has been confirmed by a laperoscopy, which I had done over 4 years ago. There are other steps to qualifying for the study, so the pre-study process is quite extensive. I went for the first appointment this past week, and met the woman that is running the study (Barb) at an OB/GYN’s office near my work. The study has been going on already for a few months, so Barb has met with quite a few women in my area that have confirmed endometriosis.
Barb and I went over the 27 page consent form (which I had read previously), and she began to ask me questions about my general medical history. Now, due to the fact that I just started taking birth control in December, I also have to do the “washout” part of the study (allowing the birth control to get out of my system). I explained to Barb that I had only been on the pill for 2.5 months (and that previous to that, I hadn’t taken the pill since January of 2007), so it shouldn’t take very long for my body to bounce back to natural function. She asked if I was taking the pill as a contraceptive, or if I was taking it to control my endometriosis symptoms. I told her it was the latter.
She asked, “So, has your husband had a vasectomy?”
I looked at her; my face, I’m sure, was showing my confusion, “Um, no...”
She asked, “What have you been using as a contraceptive for the past 6 years?”
“Nothing…“.
[insert long silence]
“And you’ve never been pregnant?”, she asked.
I needed to put an end to this conversation; my mind was starting to recall a scene in the movie Juno that I relate to SO incredibly well and think about often. [For those of you who have never seen Juno, it’s about a 16 year old girl who gets pregnant, and gives the baby up for adoption.] It’s the scene when Juno first meets Mark & Vanessa, the potential adoptive parents. Juno, being very much a high schooler, is talking about the things she’s dreading as her pregnancy progresses.
Vanessa says “I think pregnancy is beautiful.”
Juno says, “You’re lucky it’s not you.”
At that moment, the look on Vanessa’s face… I get it.
Jennifer Garner in Juno
I have felt this emotion in many circumstances.
I don’t know what you call this emotion; I’ve been trying to put a name to it for a few years now. Jennifer Garner NAILED that scene, and it makes me want to meet her so I can tell her how wonderful she was in that film and hear about what emotions she personally felt in order to portray this character so beautifully.
I decided that Barb needed to be informed of the history of my infertility.
I went with the blunt- very few details- trying not to feel any emotions- explanation.
“You see, that’s how severe my endometriosis is. They told me 4 years ago that mine was ‘the worst they had seen in someone my age’, having Stage IV endometriosis at 26. That’s why I’m here.”
So many thoughts started running through my head– I really AM that unlucky. How could she, running an endometriosis drug study, never have met someone like me? I’ve always felt like the odd-man-out in different situations, but here I am in a research study meant for people LIKE me, and I’m still… different.
After my appointment, I went to work trying to fight the feelings of defeat. I sat at my desk, praying that God would not allow my heart to be downtrodden.
I have joined the drug research study for the following reasons, in order: 1) the money 2) free bone density screenings 3) free blood tests (including kidney and liver functions tests) 4) I’m the perfect candidate to help market a drug that could help others NOT end up with Stage IV endometriosis. People have asked if I’m excited or hopeful, and I’m not either of those. This is another way for me to help people with endometriosis. I don’t think the drug will help my infertility; it will slow the damage down and delay my inevitable hysterectomy, but I don’t find hope in that. The only hope I have is that all of this… every opportunity that is given to me, and every choice I make, will be for His glory. Being reminded of my infertility and the specific details of it can be difficult. But God’s truths negate doubt.
LackOfNothing 