By the end of 2010, so many things had changed. Apart from all of the time and effort D and I were dedicating toward working through the aftermath of infertility struggles, our job situations had dramatically changed.
In the Summer of 2010, I was promoted at my job, and had received a pretty nice pay increase. I was starting to get recognized for my work, and be acknowledged for my abilities. My boss and I had amazing conversations about where this job could take me, and what type of education was needed in order for me to continue to advance.
I was overjoyed that this promotion and was hopeful that the future possibilities for my career could all be part of the next step in the fertility treatment process. D and I had decided that we would start several savings accounts, one of them being a fertility treatment account. The planning process had begun! We had agreed that we would wait about a year to make sure we were financially sound, and that our marriage was strong enough before we jumped onto that ship again.
I started classes toward obtaining my Master’s in Accounting, which I knew was going to be a slow process. I had quite a few prerequisites to take, but it would all be worth it in the end. We were enjoying the extra funds that we now had to spend and pay off some debt. Just as we were starting to get comfortable, D was laid off from his job in the fall of 2010. Talk about a plan-changer! All of our savings plans had ended; but isn’t that how all planning goes? It seems to be a trend in our lives. Just when we (I) get excited about something, start making future plans, accept an idea, and work at making it happen… it falls apart. I felt as though if a plan hadn’t completely back-fired, it was probably in process of disintegrating into a pile of ash.
Now, we enter the (once again) uncertain part of the story. I wasn’t sure when I would get to finish school, D hadn’t found a permanent job, and the word “baby” was rarely heard in the walls of our house.
I am so grateful for my job, yet sometimes I struggle with the reminder that it seems to be the gift that has been given to me rather than having the ability to carry a baby in my belly.
I’m thankful for the freedom that D and I have to just be us, yet am saddened by the emptiness of our “spare” bedroom.
I am more than willing to help others who are struggling with infertility, yet am sometimes confused by the fact that anyone even has to experience the pain.
It took longer than we wanted, but thankfully, D found an even better job in February 2012.
During this time, this continued period of waiting, I am digging through God’s word, searching for applicable devotionals, and praying that God would show me what He has chosen for me. I have so many desires, abounding ambitions, and the desire for God to show D and I what is next for us. When I sit back and survey the place we are right now, I begin to see the possibilities: we both are searching for the next step, we are both praying for our desires to be pleasing to God, we are praying for our desires to be of God, and I am praying that our true hearts desires will eventually layer one another. This is a transition period for us; however, we do not know what we are transitioning to. But, I know that since both of our sights are set on pleasing God, the end result will be amazing.
Hebrews 4:17 (ESV)
Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.
** The Bible is full of amazing scripture!
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