On March 9, 2009, it was confirmed that our first insemination attempt was not successful. The plan was to move right on to the next insemination attempt. I had an ultrasound done, and it showed that the cyst (from the month prior) was still there. We would not be able to go on Clomid yet again, so a natural cycle IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) was the plan.
Later on that same day, I received a call from the doctor’s office telling me that they had a new plan– they said it has been proven that birth control reduces ovarian cysts. The doctor’s new plan was to put me on birth control for a short period of time. This would accomplish 2 things: dissolve the cyst, and re-start my cycle mid-month (due to the hormones) so that we wouldn’t miss a month in our rapidly-closing window of time. The pill would prevent me from ovulating until after the cyst was gone. I started the birth control, and went back to the doctor a few weeks later.
On March 29, 2009, I sent out this email:
“I’ve been debating for almost a week whether or not I would be sending out an update, but in order to save myself from heart breaking conversation, I decided it would be best to send yet another mass email… I had an ultrasound last Monday to check to see if the birth control plan worked (if it made the cyst on my right ovary dissipate). Well, the birth control plan completely back-fired. While it did make the cyst on my right ovary go away, it did not prevent me from ovulating (I’m beginning to notice I am not the norm in any part of life). Now, I have a cyst on my LEFT ovary. (Now, remember class, what we’ve learned from previous emails: ovulating one egg=developing one cyst) They don’t know why I ovulated through the birth control, but now the nurses don’t really know what to do. They don’t know what day of my cycle I’m on because, technically, my cycle should’ve started over right after taking the b.c. pills. So, long story short: we can’t inseminate this month, and we lost one more month of trying on our own. I just have no idea what to say… Everything they’ve done to try to help me has actually done more harm than good. I’m just so tired of this, I don’t even know what to think anymore.”
“I have already informed my doctor’s office that we will not be inseminating anymore. I have finally come to a peace about that decision, and know it’s the right thing to do. Who am I to think that if I pay $620 more, I’ll get pregnant? I keep telling myself that God doesn’t need my money to work a miracle.”
“We have some more decisions ahead. Day one of my next cycle (whenever that comes), we have to decide if we’re going to go on Clomid, or if we are going to try completely on our own. If we choose the Clomid, my doctor will require us to have 2 ultrasounds a month (one to check for cysts, and the other to count the number of mature eggs that developed). This would be $320 alone. Technically, we only have one more month to get pregnant…”
“I’m scared that through all of these problems, I am getting the answer that I was not hoping for, and I feel like it’s time to give up (I’m still in the process of separating ‘giving up’ and ‘letting go’). I have been very cynical lately (some of you might’ve noticed), and have even found it difficult to rejoice in other people’s success. Side note: If your motherly arms aren’t empty, then please don’t compare yourself to me. It does way more damage than good.”
“I finally emailed one of my good friends from high school who has been through all of this. It was encouraging to know that she has felt all of these same feelings, and survived. It’s OK for me to be angry and ask ‘why’. I am just trying to survive right now, and I pray that my friends and family will understand and be respectful.”
“For right now, I am just praying that if we are not meant to be parents, that He will take that desire from us. If we no longer want to be parents, then we have our answer, and we’ll already have accepted it. In case that desire is not removed, and we aren’t successful on our own, I came up with a ‘Plan B’, which amazingly, D and I both agree on. We’ll see what is to come…”
That was one of the most heart felt emails I had ever sent. Plan B never got implemented, but that’s the thing about plans: when they are ours and not God’s, the plan gets changed. A lot.
LackOfNothing 